Not Enough Liquor in the Universe
by Overlord Kog
Summary: Join a man who should really know better than to watch a little girl's cartoon get thrown into said cartoon and marvel as he tries his damnedest to get back home. Not that the universe will make it easy for him. A HiE fic, because I'm a special snowflake.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Standard disclaimer here. I don't own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. That's Hasbro's bag. I own nothing within. Well, except, uh, me I guess. Yeah.

If you told me a few months back that I'd be in the…predicament I'm in now I'd of asked you where do you buy your alcohol from, because clearly you have access to better stuff than me. Now this story starts simply enough, stories like this often do, don't they? But if you're willing to listen to me ramble on a bit I'm sure you'll find yourself entertained. Probably. Maybe. Hell, who am I kidding, we're all going to need a drink to get through this one…

* * *

><p>Ah, another bright and lovely Monday morning, or rather, afternoon. If today was even Monday. The days kind of bleed together now. Tuesday feels likes Friday, Wednesday smells like a Sunday. Though Saturday never feels or smells like a Thursday, not sure why that is really. I have a theory but those tend to end badly, and usually never right. But anyways, back to what I was saying. It was one of the days of the week and it was daylight out. Reality hadn't radically shifted in the last 9 hours, always a plus. I cracked open one bloodshot eye and sluggishly pushed myself upright in bed. A quick yawn escaped me and I crawled out of the comfortable bed and slowly shuffled out of my room still dressed in the clothes I had slept in; simple denim shorts and a simple black t-shirt. As I entered the living room I didn't see my mother anywhere, must have taken the dog out. And yes, I realize living with my parents at my age IS sad and pathetic but the economy is a fickle bitch, kids.<p>

But I ignored her missing presence and went to the bathroom to wake myself up. A little cold water splashed on the face and all that. After the everyday wakeup routine I went back to the living room and took a seat on the couch. I snatched up the nearby tv remote and surfed though a few channels not looking for anything in particular. I heard the front door open and indeed mom had taken out the dog for a quick walk. The big dopey-looking black Shar Pei trotted off to the kitchen to get some water while my mom took a seat on the loveseat opposite the couch I was on.

"Hey. When'd you get up?"

"Just now really."

Typically the same thing she always asks when she first sees me up and about and that's usually my response. Ah, beautiful routine and predictability.

"Any plans for today?" Mom asked casually.

"Nope. Nothing I can think of." I absentmindedly answered as a stupid commercial for bullshit exercise equipment droned on.

I always wondered where these guys came up with the ideas for their stuff, because I normally think of them sliding across a linoleum floor to get some Captain Crunch after smoking a lot of pot and in a flash of brilliance they come up with the _Lay-Z Fuk_. Only 4 easy payments of $59.99. Get yours today while supplies last. Pushing aside my meandering thoughts I put my attention back to the tv in a vain attempt to find something worthwhile.

"What about Charlie or Steven? Hear anything from them?" Mom posed another question.

"Not a word. If we we're going to hang out today they'd call first before coming over." Which was usually true for those two friends of mine. "Man, there is not shit on." I griped aloud as I surfed back through channels I'd already been through.

Secretly I wished we got The Hub. For a show I had taken quite a shine to though damned if I was going to admit that fact right here and now. Naturally that show was My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I had only started watching the show somewhat recently after finally caving in and wondering just what in the hell the buzz was about. Color me surprised when the show turned out to be good. Very good. For a kids' show anyways. Well, little girls show I guess. I've, uh, watched kids shows before but this type was a first, you see. And right about now I felt the need for cartoon marshmallow ponies.

I tossed the remote over to the loveseat and got up with a stretch.

"I'm goin' to my room. Fuck around on the internet for a bit."

A half-truth. The whole truth was to fuck around AND watch a little girls cartoon with a smile on my face. I was going to have fun and no one could stop me.

"Have fun." Mom said simply as she started her own endeavor to find a show to watch.

I slipped back into my sort-of cramped room and took a seat in my beat-up old leather chair that had seen far better days. I wheeled up to the desk that had my laptop situated atop it and flipped it open. A quick password input later and I was staring at my desktop. My newest wallpaper was Rainbow Dash lounging peacefully on a cloud with what might be considered my mantra hovering next to her: _FUCK IT. I'm not doing shit today_. I was of the (only correct) opinion that Applejack was "best pony" but I lacked a wallpaper of her that was as amusing as this one. RD was still second favorite though. I grabbed the nearby mouse and maneuvered over to my browser of choice and began my fucking around in earnest.

Funny how fast time can past when diving through the net. Some five hours had passed and my pony quota was nil. I had to remedy that and decided to see if a new episode was up yet; not remembering if I had fully caught up yet as I was never sure if I was or not. As I began scrolling through my bookmarks for the site I used to view new episodes I caught the whiff of something…unpleasant. Like, burning plastics and singed metals. Upon smelling this stench I came to the conclusion any rational person would.

"Holy fuck! My laptop had better not be shitting out on me or something!"

I'm fairly sure those were my exact words. After the outburst I ripped the headphones from my ears and started to examine the expensive piece of electronics.

"The…fuck is the problem?" I said as I rotated and sniffed the device.

It quickly dawned on me that, oh right, I knew dick about computers and how they worked. Even less then dick when there might be a problem with one. For all I knew this thing was powered and kept together by orphan soul's. Perhaps the I had angered the ghost orphan… What with all the porn. I huffed and put the laptop back down. I took off my glasses and pinched the bridge of my nose with a sigh. I had just bought this thing. And now pbbbthhh, gone. I slipped my frames back on and tapped my fingers in annoyance on the desk as the laptop screen just stayed frozen on its current page: the site I used for pony viewing. The ponies were looking back at me with cheerful smiles and mocking me. I angrily slide the mouse back and forth and wildly clicked buttons in a vain hope that that would fix something.

Surprised, it didn't. If anything it got worse. The screen started to look like it was breaking down into pixels or some such.

"Oh sure just add the fucking cherry to this shit-sundae already."

That's when the sparks and tiny arcs of electricity started. That wasn't worrisome or anything.

"Dammit, I should unplug this thing before a fire springs up."

I reached down and fumbled with the few cords that were nearby and found the right one quickly enough. I jerked it from the wall and watched as nothing happened.

"Oh. Right. Full charge. Shit. Does the power button still work…"

I looked over the crackling machine and was a tad apprehensive.

"I really don't want to touch this thing now. Fucking fry myself. Need to find something else. Let's see here…"

I glanced around and found a pencil sitting idly by my tv. I grabbed it up and prepared myself to jam on the power button. And, no the thought, _Hey, a potential fire hazard? Yeah, just add some wood to it. Clear right up_, never did cross my mind. So just as I pressed the power button the screen pulled a new one and looked to be meting now. Again, I know nothing of computers or their malfunctions, but I was pretty damn sure melting wasn't a common one. I cautiously leaned in closer and raised the pencil up to prod at the melting screen. The moment I touched it, and I mean the very moment , I felt what I could only guess to be thousands of volts of electricity course through my body. I tried to scream or shout or anything really. Anything to get some help. But nothing came. Instead I was frozen in my seat as this power surged in me. To further my terror a dull purple glow began to emanate from the melted screen and wash over me. It was strange. This electricity, this purple energy wave? It didn't hurt. Not much, really. A little numb and stinging but nothing that felt life threatening.

The only thing that worked were my eyes and they were frantically scanning the room for anything to help. This electricity and glow combo didn't hurt much, but damned if I wanted to test its limits. I began to feel lightheaded and did my best to fight it off. I hoped years of all-nighters and mild insomnia would prevail. But it didn't and I could feel consciousness slipping away from me. My room was getting dark quick and my body felt incredibly light. And all that was on my mind was; _Oh god, I'm going to die and they'll find the remnants of this laptop with ponies all over it._

That was my last thought before the darkness came over me completely. I don't know how long I was out but I started to come to when I felt wind on my face, like I was falling. Falling to hell I personally wagered. But I started to really pay attention to how the wind was blowing over me. It's wasn't falling but more like being in a car that was hauling ass. My heavy-lidded eyes slowly opened up the see if I was perhaps in a hospital helicopter or something. But when my eyes were fully opened and adjusted I completely balked at what I saw. An incredibly colorful and lush landscape was spread out before me and was speeding away beneath me as I was flying through the air. Honest-to-god flying. I reached out with my hands and saw that same strange purple glow was still covering me like some sort of field. I started to chuckle a bit.

"I-Is this…a dream? Heaven? N-No way it is, but just maybe… Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

My attempt to rationalize this to myself was cut short. And painfully. I glanced back up just in time to see a tree coming at me and defiant thing wouldn't move no matter how many mental commands I threw at. I barreled through the thing without so much as a bit of slowdown. I sputtered and hacked up leaves that had flown into my mouth and I did my best to pick twigs and other debris from my hair.

"All right, not heaven. Heaven doesn't have its inhabitants tear ass through tress and possibly swallow a birds nest."

I coughed up what I could have sworn was a robins' egg.

"Stop the ride, I want to get off." I grumbled to myself.

Wish granted the universe decided. Ahead of me I could see yet another tree. A much, much larger tree. And this one like the one before it had no intention of sprouting legs and moving. And, wouldn't you know it, I wasn't heading for the semi-soft leaves and easily snapped branches. Oh no, I was screaming towards what looked to be a balcony and I preyed to be open doors. I quickly slipped my glasses off and put them in my shorts pocket then I covered my eyes with my hands and sighed. This looked like it was really going to hurt and I really didn't feel like seeing it firsthand. Just before my estimated impact I peered through a crack in my fingers and the last thing I remember seeing was a purple pony coming into view just beyond the doorway.

Man, this was going to suck for her. Me too, I guess.

Our eyes met for just a split second before I slammed into her like a missile and again for the second time today I drifted off into blackness. My last thought before I was completely gone?

_Send me somewhere with less fucking trees this time._


	2. Fire Indeed Hot

"…think he's coming to." I could hear a voice in my ears, though it was terribly echo-y, but it registered as female.

"What in the world _is_ he, anyways?" I could make out a second, different voice ask aloud. And it had an accent from what I could hear. Southern if I had to guess. I'm southern myself but this accent really out did me. Total Texan-bent this second voice.

Wait, what? What _am_ I? That's…not a typical hospital question. Oh shit. What if my face got royally fucked-up when the laptop when haywire? FUCK. I was at least a 7 when I was cleaned-up. Now I'll have to get a prosthetic face to even walk outside in sunlight. Just keep me in a medically induce come for a decade or two until they can grow faces in jars or something, please.

"Hey, it's moving."

There was another voice, this one sounded different from the others. More male-ish. If my math skills hadn't gone to hell that made for 3 in total. I could feel my eyes struggling to open and I psyched myself for whatever state of busted-and-banged up I was in. I wished this hospital had plenty of morphine on call…

When my eyes finally opened I saw 3 pairs staring back. One a set of purple, and the other two bright green. I still couldn't make out the faces of the three hovering over me. Without my glasses I'm effectively blind. But even without my visual aid I could tell something was…off. I gently reached into my shorts pocket and fished out the black-rimmed frames. I gingerly slipped them on and felt all the color drain from my face when I saw the forms take a solid shape. It was Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, and Spike looking down on me.

"Ya alright there, fella?" the blond mare in the Stetson cowboy hat asked.

My response could have been more…tactful, in hindsight.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

26 and my scream is comparable to a 13-year old girl. Who's been huffing helium.

I scampered back from the trio of hovering faces, who had their ears covered due to my pitiful shrieking, and slammed into a wall. I could feel and hear my teeth-chattering. Sweat was poring down my face and I'm sure I had an absolutely scared shitless look in my eyes.

"Whoa, that was some scream. Maybe it's female after all?" Twilight mused as she brought a hoof to her chin.

"That really important right now, Twilight?" Spike said with an arched eyebrow.

Did dragons even have eyebrows? Eh, not important, too terrified to ramble.

"Easy, big fella. Easy now." Applejack was doing her best to be comforting.

Guess what. Didn't help.

This just could not be happening. It couldn't. This was Equestria. And that place was fictional. It didn't exist. It was just dreamed up in some attractive redhead named Faust's brain. But here I am. I'm seeing two talking ponies and a dragon. Lucid dreaming? I didn't know how to pull that stunt. My drinking finally caught up with me? If my drinking was capable of this I should do it a lot more. Death trying to cobble together a peaceful scene before I pass? I did not sign up for ponies for to be my last image on earth, Death. Where's my scenario of me being the owner of a chocolate factory staffed by big-breasted hookers? I remember checking that particular box. So if it wasn't any of those possibilities than this must me reality, right…? Better just accept it…

FUCK. THAT.

And again, in hindsight? Really shoulda thought this through more…

I sprang to my feet suddenly, surprising the ponies and dragon. Then I just kinda started saying the first thing that came to mind.

"They're coming to take me away, ha ha. They're coming to take me away, ho ho. Hee hee, ha ha, to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be so happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming to take me away! Ha ha haaaaaa!"

The crazed laughter coupled with manic hand gestures probably wasn't helping my case much. My outburst didn't last long though. The world started to spin and I was getting lightheaded. Before I knew what was happening the floor was rushing up to greet me with all its lovely hardwood softness.

Look Ma, two blackouts in one day! I'm goin' for the record. Shitty record to aim for though.

This blackout was over quicker than the previous one. I think, hard to tell with blackouts sometimes. I woke up and found I was still in the presence of colored ponies. And one dragon. This truly is reality isn't it…

"Now ya really gotta settle down this time, sugarcube." It was Applejack looking down at me again with those big green eyes of hers.

"Uh…I think I'm gonna puke." I mumbled and felt a hiccup build in my throat. I pushed myself upright, resting on my elbows.

"Well, that's answers my question of whether or not he can talk. Asides from that earlier, uh, display." Twilight trotted over with a book, it was levitating in the air next to her horn. "Now for the question of can he understand us."

"Yeah, I can." I said curtly. Didn't mean to come off as rude, just didn't feel well. I think universe-hopping was a valid reason to be short with someone.

"So what's yer name?" Applejack asked simply. "And, uh, what are ya?"

"My name? Uh, just call me Phil. Everyone else does. And I'm a human."

Yes, keep talking to the cartoon horse. Keep feeding the delusion. Tell physics and space/time to get fucked.

"Fill? What kinda name is that?" Spike chimed in from besides Twilight. He was chewing on a gemstone as he talked.

"No, not that kind of fill. P-h-i-l." I spelled out my name in the air with my finger serving as the pencil. "That kind of Phil."

Spike just simply 'ohhhh'd in acknowledgement and went back to eating his rock candy and introducing himself. Applejack and Twilight followed suit with the intro's, not that I didn't already know who they were. Luckily, I didn't slip up before and call them by name.

Twilight got a bit closer and began to circle me, almost like a shark.

"And a human is…?" the purple pony probed me lightly with her horn.

I could tell she was hungry… Hungry… FOR KNOWLEDGE.

"Uh, this?" I stood up from the floor and just shoddily presented myself even did a little twirl to boot. "I mean, how do you want me to describe it?"

"I suppose we can come back to that question later." Twilight was still circling. "How about where you're from?"

More knowledge-chum, Cap'n! More I say!

Though this was a delicate question to answer. Tell them I'm from Earth, fine. But from another dimension? Another universe? A universe where they're fictional characters? I nearly went nuts from the little realization that there where other universes a few minutes ago. Just out-and-out lie this time.

"I'm…from Earth."

"Earth? Ain't never heard of it." Applejack pursed her lips. "Yeah, ain't never heard of no Earth. Ah mean, as a place at be from, ya know? Unless yer…from the ground." Applejack was giving me a quizzical look now.

I couldn't help but laugh a little. Who's a silly pony? Applejack.

"Heh, nah, I'm not from the ground. But the planet I'm from is called Earth."

I could hear Twilight make some kind of…squeee noise and I glanced over at her. She was positively giddy.

"Another planet? An entirely different world? That's incredible! I can't believe I was capable of doing something like that!"

Now it was my turn to give a look.

"Wait. _You_ brought me here? How the hell did you manage that?"

Twilight started to look rather proud of herself all of a sudden.

"Well, I was experimenting with a long-range teleportation spell. At first I thought it was a failure but then you suddenly crashed into me. So I think the spell was a success! Maybe not with the intended effect, but still!"

You opened up a wormhole or something in my computer and dragged me into another reality at which point I smash into a magic purple pony and nothing I know of no longer makes sense. Yeah, not the intended effect, Twilight.

"Do you think you could send me back? Like, today?" I asked plainly.

Look, Equestria was nice and all, but I couldn't be sure just _being_ here wasn't hazardous to my health or the pony inhabitants. I mean, there were space laws or some shit like that, right? Get back to Universe A now before things went sideways.

"Y-You want to go back? B-But I have so many questions to ask you!" Twilight was pouting like a child.

Sweet fuck was it cute. Ignore it, man. Have some willpower. You're somewhat a man.

"W-Well, yeah, I'd like to. If that's alright."

Why was I acting like a putz again? Oh right, that pout was adorable.

Twilight sighed and kicked at the ground, she had a defeated look to her. "I guess it is the right thing to do."

You sure don't make it sound that way, Twilight.

"Well, stand in front of me Phil and I'll try to send to back."

I did as I was asked and stood in front of the unicorn and braced myself. I hoped this worked. Also hoped I didn't become meat paste if I got sent back right in front of a skyscraper. Twilight closed her eyes and focused. Her horn lit up and pulsed softly with a magical aura. I could almost smell the magic in the air. The light around Twilight's horn grew brighter and brighter and I was dreading this more and more. Please don't let me end up in the Twilight, sparkly vampire-bullshit, universe. I will have no choice but to kill everything and then myself.

"And here we go!" Twilight announced and the light at the tip of her horn exploded into a dazzling, soft white.

And I…was still in her treehouse. Nothing was different. At all. But Twilight and the rest were certainly giving me a horrified look. Well that couldn't be good.

"Uh, guys? Problem?" I asked, trying not to let any panic slip into my voice.

They were all dead silent. And the eyes the size of dinner plates didn't relieve the tension building in my chest. Spike simply pointed upwards towards my head.

"What? What is it?" I started to get nervous.

Twilight, still slack-jawed, levitated a hand mirror over and held up to my face. I hurriedly looked into the mirror and saw my hair had been replaced…

WITH FIRE.

A natural reaction followed.

"Jesuschrist! holyfuck! myhairismadeoffire! Putitout! putitout! putitout! putitout!"

Stop, drop, and roll was what I remember being taught in school. I think I reproduced the lesson well enough. Just replace stop with flail wildly around room, switch drop with shout words that had no meaning, and lose roll with _my goddamn head was on fire_.

The group finally snapped from their stupor and joined in the shouting and wild flailing. Applejack went to get some water, Spike ran to dug up some dirt, and Twilight was revving up that horn of hers again. Twilight's attempt went off first and thankfully my regular old, dull brown hair was back in all its short, shaggy glory. Just as I breathed a sigh of relief Spike charged in, a mound of fresh dirt in his arms.

"I got it, Phil! Hold on!"

"No, Spike, no!" I yelled and raised my arms defensively but it was too late and I was treated to a rain of filthy dirt coming down on me.

I coughed and hacked as I shook my now flame-free head of dirt and small rocks. Spike gave me a sheepish look and hid behind Twilight. Wait, where was Apple-

"Ah'mma comin', sugarcube! Sit tight!"

Applejack burst into the room with a bucket in her mouth. I didn't even try anything. Splash. Muddy water in every orifice and staining my clothes.

"Oh… Uh… Ah'm sorry 'bout that, Phil." Applejack apologized and stared at the floor, a slight blush on her cheeks.

I did my best impersonation of a fountain and spat out the muddy water. Mmm, crunchy dirt particles. I rang out some of the excess water from my shirt as Twilight scuffed at the floor.

"I am so, **so**, sorry about that, Phil. I swear that's never happened with my magic before. If you want we can try-"

I glared at her hard enough to melt steel and she quickly let the rest of that sentence die on her lips.

"Right, uh, we can try later. When you're more…prepared." Twilight nodded a bit. "Anyways, are you ok, Phil?"

"Actually… Yeah. It didn't burn at all. Like the fire was naturally a part of me. That didn't help **the fear**, butI'm fine. I think." I poked at my hair and scalp. Nothing felt off or burned, not even singed.

Magic, I ain't gotta explain shit.

Twilight sighed with relief and wiped at her brow. "Thank goodness. I was worried there for a moment. I almost torched my new alien friend!"

Alien friend? Sounded like a bad sitcom. Watch the wacky misadventures of Twilight Sparkle and her alien friend! What shenanigans will they get into this week? Be sure to tune in this Friday at 8 to find out!

"But seriously, now that that problem is out of the way, we have another one to face." the purple pony announced to the room.

"And what's that, Twi?" Applejack asked with a towel in her mouth which she then handed to me.

"Well, Phil might be here for some time. That **was** the long-range teleport spell I was working on. I know I cast it the same way as earlier. But for some reason it flopped."

"I'll say…" I cut in sarcastically, towel draped over my head.

"Again, I'm sorry Phil. But I just can't risk casting that spell again. I don't want to end up hurting you. And I'm sure you're not to thrilled to be on the receiving end of a potentially dangerous spell. So until I can figure out what went wrong I'm afraid you're stuck here." Twilight gave me an apologetic glance.

"But I…I understand, Twilight." I muttered with as little emotion as possible.

I was trying to accept this. I really was. But it was hard. Applejack came up beside me and put her hoof up on the small of my back. She softly began to rub gently. I appreciated the effort to be comforting, but it did little to improve my mood. Which was dour at best. Still, I managed to look down at her and give her a small smile. She returned the smile and kept rubbing.

"Ah'll do what I can too, sugarcube. Not that Ah know a lot about fancy-schmancy magic or anything. But you can count on the most dependable of ponies to get ya outta this jam."

I just grunted in response and kept my eyes on the ground.

The sun was beginning to set and the shadows in Twilight's home grew more pronounced. Clearing her throat Applejack spoke up again.

"Well, Ah gotta git back to the farm. All things considered Phil, it was a pleasure makin' yer acquaintance. Ah'll try and stop by tomorrow and see how things are a-going. Night, Twi, Spike."

Applejack tipped her hat to the three of us and left. Twilight waved after her friend and shut the door with another sigh.

"Such a busy day. This'll be one long report to the princess."

_That_ broke me out of my slump. The princess, as in princess Celestia. As in royalty. As in living god, basically. No. Nononono. I didn't do well with authority figures. Especially magical, god-like ones. I needed to nip this potential issue in the bud and get out of being discovered. Besides, who knew what Celestia would do to me if she found out about me.

"W-Wait a minute, Twilight. Uh…could you hold off on mentioning me to this princess? I mean, I'm sure you can figure out that spell in no time. And with that done I'll be gone in a flash. If you mention me she'll want to meet, it'll delay your progress, it's just one big hassle. So, omit the human, eh?"

I was doing my damnedest to get her to listen, but Twilight didn't seem to be buying my excuses.

"Hmmm, I _suppose_ I can leave you out of my report for a little bit if you think that's best."

I nodded vigorously. Yes, crisis adverted.

"But only for a little bit. I don't feel right keeping things from the princess for long. Ok?"

Almost adverted. Now I had an unknown time limit. Had to work with what I had, I guess.

"Uh, yeah, that's fine. I'm sure I'll be outta here by that time rolls around."

"Good. Now, I need to find something for you to sleep on… But you're a bit taller than my normal houseguests. That couch just won't do. I had a spare bed set up when Rarity and Applejack slept over, but I got ruined when the tree fell on it. Hmm…"

Twilight got into thinking mood again and tapped her chin in thought. I just stood in place. I didn't have any suggestions.

"Why doesn't he just sleep with you, Twilight?" Spike suggested innocently from his bed on the second floor.

At that moment I'm sure I was devoid of any color at all. My hair, my skin, my clothes. One big, blank, black and white cardboard cutout. Twilight wasn't nearly as taken aback. In fact, she looked embarrassed she didn't come up with the idea.

"Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Is that alright with you, Phil? Unless you think it'd be to awkward. We just met, after all."

Complete innocence. Neither seemed to grasp the implications this event could bring, then again ponies as a whole are pretty innocent and naïve. Not like they could touch about this sort of thing in the show. But why the hell was _I_ getting flustered? Not the first time I've slept next to a woman. A lady pony, sure, but female is female. Besides, I had zero intention of trying anything with a marshmallow pony. I wasn't _that_ kind of MLP fan. And I know Twilight wasn't going to try a damn thing. It was just the sheer bluntness of Spike's suggestion that got to me.

"Uh, it's fine with me, Twilight. _You_ don't have a problem with it?"

"No, not really. I was the one who brought you here, the least I could do I share my bed for the night."

This couldn't be a gorgeous **human **woman inviting me to her bed with such simplicity and casualness. Nnnnnope. Pony. Don't know what I did to piss you off, Universe. I really don't. But fuck, must be one hell of a grudge. I almost feel proud in someway. You think _you've_ stepped on some toes? Never sent to another reality I'll bet. Get on my level.

"In that case, Twilight, everything's straight with me."

"Great." Twilight let out a too-cute for comfort yawn. "Oh, excuse me. It was just such a hectic day. I mean, you were here, you saw. Hee hee."

I chuckled lightly along with Twilight and followed-up with a yawn myself.

"Would you like to just turn in now, Phil?" Twilight asked.

I wordlessly nodded a 'yes'. I was exhausted. No surprise, I guess. Twilight motioned me to follow her up the stairs which I did a tad sluggishly. Her bed was so…tiny. I mean, I'm not freakishly tall or anything. The standard 6 foot, but this bed looked like a damn miniature. I tried not to show the gears grinding in my head over how I was going to fit into this thing to Twilight and she didn't seem to pick up on anything. She simply trotted over to the left side of the bed and slipped in under the covers.

"Ahh," Twilight sighed contently. "This'll be a good nights sleep, I think."

I was still standing by the bed pondering. Twilight broke me out of that by patting the right side of her bed with her hoof.

"Well come on. You look like you're about ready to fall over."

This really _wasn't_ anything to feel awkward over, right? Twilight certainly didn't give off an air of her being uncomfortable. She was just being polite. Very polite, but still just polite. Maybe I should stop fretting over how this would look to **humans**. I was the only hairless ape here, after all. Brain switch off, go.

"Uh, yeah, sorry, just spaced out there for a minute." I quickly babbled and brought a hand to the zipper of my pants to undo them.

The sound that followed could only be heard in my head and it was my common sense backing up like a truck after having obviously missed its damn stop. No Phil, tonight you will not be sleeping in your boxers as you normally do. Not when you're sleeping next to a cartoon marshmallow horse You moron. I slapped myself on the forehead and sighed inwardly. Twilight got a confused look on her face and I did my best to just sweep the incident under the rug. And here I thought I got past the whole awkward thing. I just climbed into Twilight's bed without another word.

Night came swiftly enough and I was still awake, my feet dangling off Twilight's bed. At least I fit on most of it. I was staring up at the ceiling, arms folded behind my head. There was a lot on my mind, naturally. Chiefly, what if I couldn't get home? What if this was **it**? There were pro's and con's to both sides. Pro's? Equestria was about as close one could get to paradise. Ok, maybe paradise was a strong word, but you get what I mean. A world of peace. Real peace. Not the ever-shaky seeming stuff here on ol' Terra. Now con's? My friends… My family would be out of the picture. That's… a big trade-off, to me anyways. But all of this was out of my hands. _I_ didn't have any powers to sling myself back. I had to have faith in Twilight or, and I'm hoping it didn't come to it, Celestia. So until I could be offered a chance to get back home I just had to live in the moment. Hell, I should consider myself lucky, right? I'm somewhere people would kill to be. Better enjoy it while it last.

I shifted in bed trying get my thoughts to quiet and rolled over on my side coming face to face with a very much awake Twilight.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't wake you up did I?" I whispered an apology.

She shook her head, "No. You didn't. I was awake. I was just…thinking."

She sounded like it was some very serious thinking.

"Want to, uh, share? Get it off yer chest?" I offered simply enough.

"Well… I guess the reality of all this just sank in. I took you from your home, from your family and friends. I don't know if I can send you back… You must honestly…"

Her voice was starting to break and I could see tears forming in the corners of those pretty eyes of hers.

"Twilight…"

"You honestly must hate me."

Twilight whimpered and rolled over to face away from me.

Did Twilight Sparkle just ask me if I hated her? Was I kinda of miffed over this whole thing? Sure. But hate her? No way in hell. I needed to tell her that, but I never was that good with being, like, terribly open with my feelings. Or articulating them that well.

I put my hand on Twilight's shoulder and she flinched. I managed to get her to face me again and I tried to give her a smile.

"Twi, come on. Hate you? I won't pretend I'm ecstatic about being a world-jumper, but I don't hate you for it. You didn't do this on purpose. And I know you have every intention of sending me back when you can. So please, don't cry over it, ok? Crying doesn't suit you."

I could see a very slight smile playing at her lips and I could feel a bit of relief. It's never fun sleeping next to a crying woman. Reminds me to much of the night I lost my virginity. Heyyyyyyyyy-o!

"You…really mean that, Phil?" Twilight asked with gigantic puppy dog eyes.

"Every word, PurpleMagic."

Twilight gave another confused if happy look and sniffled a bit.

"Thank goodness. I was so worried I couldn't fall asleep. That is such a load off my mind."

"So yer alright? Everything's cool now?"

"Yes, I'm fine now. …But, um…" Twilight was fumbling around with her hooves and looking towards the foot of the bed.

"What is it now?""Could I….have a hug? To make sure you're really not mad at me."

I laughed a little too loudly than I should have, but stifled it before I woke up Spike. That was just…too cute. Still laughing a bit I nodded that it was fine and waved her over with open arms. Twilight blushed a little and hugged me gently.

"I really appreciate this, Phil."

"Yeah, not a problem, Twilight. Just one little thing…"

"Hmm, what's that?" She asked with her arms still around me.

"Yer horn is in my eye."

"Oh, I am so sorry!"


End file.
